This is hard for me to write, but it needs to be done."Daddy? Can we stop by and see Brad the other day?" Joey asks using the phrase that he and his sister have now trademarked in our household "the other day" which really means either tomorrow, or yesterday, in this case tomorrow.
"Yeah" comes my reply as I still have trouble chocking back the tears that so desperately want to come squirting out of my eyes each time I even open that emotional box, but, our children are nothing if not great healers of their parents even if they don't know it.
Inches of freshly fallen snow laminate the ground as we step from my truck and head towards the "tomb" that Brad's temporarily unlabeled coffin rests in. A man shoveling snow from the sidewalks that encompass the group of four marble clad buildings seems to take no notice of us as we walk closely past him towards the last one, which makes me wonder how common place a father and son are in a graveyard at 8:00am in the morning....
"Can I see Brad? I really want to see him." Joey asks me again for the third day in a row. We struggled with whether or not Joey should come to the visitation and/or the funeral to get one last look and to try to comprehend the reality of the loss we both suffered, and in hindsight we probably should have encouraged him more to actually do it with us, but I underestimated his ability to grasp the situation (or maybe I was just trying to preserve his unfettered innocence of youth).
"Well, we can't see him. He's in his casket behind this marble slab." Today, a simple piece of white paper has been taped to the front of the tomb where Brad has been put to rest. "Bradley Wilson, 1952 - 2008" it reads.
"I thought you said he was in that one?" Joey points to the second row where I had assumed he was the day before when we visited the same place.
"Sorry bud, he's actually up here in the third row."
"Can I talk to Brad?"
"Sure, please do."
"Brad. I miss you. I had a really good Christmas, but Santa didn't bring me the fireman mask that I asked for and I'm really not happy with him about that. I wanted that and some night vision goggles, and I got a pair of those, but not the ones I really wanted, but I really hoped he would get me the fireman mask just like you have. But... I really miss you and I wish you could come back."
"I miss you too Brad" I stammer in as Joey and I turn to walk back to the truck.
"Daddy, where is Brad right now?" Ooh, one of those tough questions...
"Oh, I bet he's throwing a party up in heaven right now and he's invited just about every one he has run into to it. He's pouring his favorite drinks and he's built a bar from wood that even God is amazed at."
"Will we ever see him again?"
"Yeah buddy, I think he'll be one of the first ones we see the day that we get to go to Heaven too. At least we both know we'll have a good friend there waiting for us."
"Daddy, I think you should take Brad's place as a fireman and don't die, ok?"
"I wish I could... but I think we both know you're going to be the fireman who grows up to replace Brad...."
3 comments:
Speechless. I am absolutely speechless.
Very well written, Jay, about you and Joey and Brad. Well handled too, I say.
I am proud of all three of you.
I agree so much with Mimi. That has to be one of the most difficult things a parent has to explain to a child. I really love the pictures. Sorry for your lost of a friend.
Joey really demonstrates his sensitivity that you have modeled so well for him here...thank-you for sharing this. Had we ever met Brad at your parties?
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