The impasse about the Fire Department has been resolved, at least temporarily for now (I still have yet to respond to a call....). The cross roads of the decision process have been passed, and it feels like we may have moved beyond it without actually putting a whole lot of thought into where we're going... at least from my part.
If it sounds like I'm still on the fence, well, thats because I am. It feels better to stay, I know my heart is in it, but the clock of time seems to be against me, as I'm just running out of it before I've even had the chance to put any towards the Fire Department.
The greatest dissappointment comes from my feelings about my son's commitment and pride of his father being a firefighter. If I judge myself through his eyes, then it should be something that unequivically belongs in my life. He looks up to me. He brags about it. Every night when I come home, I get the "Emergency Vehicle" update from him: a listing of where and when he say police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks throughout the day. His parents are fully convinced that this boy is going to grow into a firefighter himself, one day.
With his commitment and passion about this, who am I to have problems within my own convictions? It seems so simple when I think about it from his viewpoint, and indeed, the actual job really is. It gives back as much as you put into it. The problem is the time side of it. I have none.
And so, I drift in a sea of uncertainty on a boat made of hope floating towards the city of life using a paddle crafted from my own problems propelled by the energy of my desires.
What I really need is a weather report to know if another storm is coming that I should heed.
What about the tides?
Is there a current in this sea?
Sun screen... should have brought some of that too.
Maybe soon the Sun will come out to clear up this fog of discontent.
If I delay too long, a decision will be made for me, and then the throughts of punishment from the lack of involvment will devastate my pride in the job I've done and the service I've given to those that brought me into the fire service in the first place.
Most of all, I'll feel like I've let myself and my son down.
Who are we if not viewed favorably in the eyes of those we love most? I know, I know, he'll always love me... but, maybe, just maybe, I need to push myself a little more... earn his love a little more... give him pride in his father... lead with a good example... show him I am the hero he believes me to be... walk a path that he can follow... view that sunset of our lives together...
Joey? Where's your paddle?
jp
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