Fire Department Quandry

It has been over a month since I last had my pager even turned on, let alone responded to a single call or gone to training even once.

I'm a slacker, pure and simple, but what is my problem? I know I can use the same old excuses that I've tried over and over, though I think they're getting worn out: "Its the holidays", "I'm too busy travelling for work", "my wife is busy going to school and I've no free time", and "We're just too busy chasing kids."

The truth is that I'm just not committed to it in my heart right now.

Our team took a huge emotional blow this past Summer when not a single member was selected for any of the four full-time positions that opened up. Sure, some of us were on the list, but not anywhere near we'd need to be to have gotten one. That hurt, it hurt a lot. I was even more shocked in learning that most of our team didn't even come close to making it. The question of "are we really that bad at being firefighters?" kept coming to my mind. We've all been through the training and most of us have gone above and beyond to further certify ourselves. I've gone through search and rescue training, officer training, weapons of mass destruction, and many more classes with certificates.

Yet, it seemed that none of this matters. Blaming others for my own shortfalls is not a good trait to have, so, I've pushed past that, or at least that's what I tell myself.

To be totally honest, I have a hard time getting up in the middle of the night, getting in a cold truck, driving 10 minutes across town to help some elderly or poor healthed person into an ambulance just because they want a free meal, refill on drugs, or just seem to be plain bored with life. I'm always amazed at how poor some people can live their life, almost like they strive to be a burden on society and almost like they blame everyone else for their own situations.

The respectable person rarely calls 911 or becomes a 'regular' user of their city's emergency services. A large percentage of any departments call volume can be accounted for by those that abuse the system, and I tell you, its these folks that are driving me away from this service.

I've been there to save a life, been there to save a house, seen amazing things, helped, loved, cried, and lived. The drive to be a part of all that still exists in me, and feel the pull each time I hear the bells or hear sirens, but, my emotions are dragging me the other way.

I could blame it all on my wife, as I know she's as frustrated with the constant calls, having me pulled away in the middle of changing a diaper, leaving her standing in the middle of the grocery store with three kids and no transportation home, not being able to go out to eat or see a movie, weekly training that takes an entire night away since I leave work and head to the FD, the eight hours of 'ride time' I must do each month to keep my job, and above all the emotional commitment. From her perspective, I can easily see how it would seem that the fire department has more significance to me than she and the kids do, and there are times that I almost feel that way too.

So, I balance the family that helps those in need against the family of my wife and kids. The giving nature of the fire department is a definite reflection of myself. Selfishness of being is something my wife sees in me about everything, yet the fire department counteracts this selfishness by being something totally about others.

Wishes for good intentions and the advice of others fail to assuage my lethargic nature towards the fire department into the fruition of a decision... here I sit trying to decide do I stay or do I go.

I just don't know.

jp