Where are you now?

The local impacts of "Global Warming" resulted in another amazing variance in temperature shifts during the day yesterday, going from the 40's to single digits in the span of a few hours. Blustery winds and sideways falling snow laminated our roads with at first rain, then slush, then glare ice, and topped it all off which a nice helping of snow. Michiganders are getting used to these climatic conditions, so, drivers were very cautious on the roadways, but the schools were wise enough the let their members stay at home.

If memory serves, this is the first snow day of the season. Joey and Jess were thrilled to spend the day at home, while their parents were not so enthusiastic. Fortunately, I'm able to escape to work, but Jenny... well, at least she got to go to the gym today.

Joey is ever growing older, taller, more mature, and encompassing all the things you'd expect from an almost five year-old. But, as parents, I think Jenny and I are still caught in bewilderment at the speed at which we've arrived at this time and place. We're the early thirty's parents of a now almost five year old son.

Wait... when did this happen. We just held his second birthday party months ago, right? At least, that's the way it feels.

Someone put on the brakes!!! This is all going too fast!!!

I'm still trying to convince myself that the career I've chosen is the one I want to spend the rest of my life doing.

What happened to us? I though we were still kids ourselves? How did we suddenly become the stoic figures I remember thinking my parents were when I was five.

Wait, will Joey remember me as stoic when he looks back at his memories of being five. You mean, he'll actually remember all this in time?

Suddenly, I feel awash with sorrow and regret when reflecting about all the things I'd always thought I'd be doing at this age and with our kids.

Are we not doing enough as parents? Are we really sure we're making all the right decisions?

Public or private schools? What are vouchers? Charter schools mean what again?

Dance or sports? Skiing or playing in the yard?

Are we traveling enough? Are we helping our kids be "well-rounded?"

Will our kids be able to go to college and beyond?

What aren't we doing that other parents do without thinking?

Would an ivy-league educated parent do different things for their kids that get them to go farther in life that we are over looking?

What the heck am I doing?

Do I even know?

For some reason, when I was younger, I thought I'd have all the time in the world to plan our lives to the nearest second, and pack it full of all the meaningful events that we fill our minds with when watching other examples of good parenting. You know, the "oh, I'll do that when I have kids" and "I'll never do that" or the "for sure, I'm never making that type of mistake with my kids."

We are those parents now.

I recall one specific incident that illustrates this type of thinking. Jenny and I were eating at the Olive Garden in East Lansing one night, and two ladies came in with a baby that was probably about 6 months old. They ordered drinks, ordered their meals, and enjoyed each others company. Just as soon as their food came, the baby started an abundant outpouring of disdain in the form of screams and cries. Being mortally embarrassed at this scene, they immediately requested the waiter box their food, and they dashed away to the seclusion of their car and away from the prying eyes of the restaurant patrons.

Believing that they had acted appropriately, probably since we thought that the best measurement of a parents ability at the time was how they handled these types of situations, we both looked at each other and mused how we would be sure to handle that same situation in exactly the same way, should it ever happen to us.

Fast forward about seven years, add three kids, and a different take on parenting, and I think we handle that same situation is a much different manner.

Now, to be honest, I'm not entirely lethargic when it comes to public parenting, but, I definitely could care less about the perceptions and obvious outward reactions of others with regard to my handling of my kids, but... and that's a big but... I no longer get embarrassed by what they do.

Sure, we skip the really nice restaurants when they are in tow, part out of fiscal responsibility, but part out of decency to others, I guess.

Hey, they're kids, enjoy them while you got 'em, or hate them, I don't care what you think because I know what I think.

I'm sidetracked... yeah, really.

I fret about the thought that I may not be doing everything how or when I had hoped with my kids at this age.

What am I missing? This is the question I stick on. What can I do better, what haven't I already done, why am I spending so much time asking these questions when I should just be doing these things instead.

Restrospective hindsight reflections are killing my forward and confident parental progress.

Lord help me, I'm falling off the chair!

Metally awash with self pity I regress into a lethargy immersed lull of waning creativism.

I suck.

I dump my prospects of imagination, kick thoughts of happy self-playtime with my hobbies, and regress in creating memory making events with my kids.

Why can't I start each day with a bottle of liquid arrogance and hard-boiled confidence that allows so many other seemingly successful people to overlook their ineptitudes and insecurities?

Maybe all of this self doubt is coming from the fact that its the middle of Winter, a time that is normally a slump and we all catch a bit of cabin fever, and maybe I can blame it all on "Global Warming." Hey, it works for everyone else.

Yeah, that's it, I'll be like the favorite poem 'Sick' from Shell Siverstein: "What? What's that you say? You say today is Saturday? Goodbye! I'm going out to play!"

Will someone please shine some light in here and help me see the ladder out of this well that my confidence and low self image have thrown me deep into?

I think I see the ladder...

We all make our mistakes and learn from them, I just want to know that what I'm doing is right for my kids, that I won't have regrets when I look back from old age at these times, they they won't hate me for not doing the right things, that I'll somehow stunt their mental growth by not fostering more stimulus, that I'll be happy with me.

Only time will tell the eventual outcome from all of this, but, in the meantime, this "drive" is enough to keep me pushing on towards bettering our children.

jp