The Long Lasting Mockery

• Driving home from work early yesterday morning (to spend the rest of the day working from home since I’m still feeling ill with the flue), I turned on NPR and caught the start of Diane Rheem’s 11:00am show. Her guest was Jodee Blanco, a renowned author that has just released her second book titled “Please Stop Laughing at Us”, which deals with Bullying in schools.
  
  I was so taken by the things she had to say that I actually had to pull into a park rather than finish driving home so that I could finish listening to her. Several times during that hour I caught myself going to tears after hearing her very passionate points about Bullying and in drawing parallels to my own horrifying experiences growing up.
  
  Some very important points that she made are:
  
  · It’s not Just Joking Around! You are creating emotional scars that will hurt each other for the rest of your lives!
  · Bullies don’t realize that they are being bullies.
  · As adults, we don’t bully each other the same way that teens and children do.
  · Physical bullying is bad, but psychological bullying has a more profound and lasting impact.
  · Physical bullying usually starts earlier (elementary) and turns into psychological bullying later.
  · Telling kids to ignore the Bullys is the WORST POSSIBLE THING to tell them. They need to confront the bully and very non-emotionally tell them to ‘Stop!’
  · React in the moment, take immediate action as the bullying occurs.
  · Telling kids who are bullied that they need to modify their behavior or just try to fit in is WRONG!
  · Realize that there is nothing wrong about you. It is what is right about you that makes you a target for bullying.
  · Reach out to a trusted adult for help.
  · Develop an alternate social network “One Town Over”.
  · Realize that school is not the center of the world! This is a big one, at least it was for me.
  
  Jodee talked about children who are the victims of bullying as being the ‘Ancient Child’ or ‘and old soul trapped in a childs body.’ These are children who often get along better with adults, have more compassion for others, and seem to lack the social hang-ups that lead to peer mockery. Their inner being seems to be guided by a soul of mature intellect that manifests itself in an inability to cope with bullying while at the same time making them capable of enormous love for others and an agility toward createing meaningful bonds with adults.
  
  In listening to the show, I couldn’t help but remember the many playground horrors that befell my own childhood. I was relentlessly teased and mocked for reasons that were never clear to me and in coping with them I had internalized and blamed them on myself.
  
  The horrors of bullying and mockery fall through to my deepest confidences even to this day.
  
  With a name of ‘Jay’, it would take a neanderthal intellect not to be able to connect to a child bully rhyme that would easily started the mockery, but, given the misguided adults issue handling of the time, my ignorance and lack of action towards the bullying only made the issues worse. Not ever being one that to handle conflict, I was never able to handle my attackers in an effort to confront them. As the bullying got worse in later years, the subjects of the attacks upon ranged to far more broad personal subjects as the kids reached further and further to find barbs to throw at me.
  
  Powerless to affect change on the worsening situation, I had even tried involving my mother, who contacted the school system several times, but changes never seemed to happen and the mockery continued.
  
  I had but one friend who remained faithful through all of this, and in the mockery, the two of us seemed to be united and often shared solace in each other presence at the hands of our tormentors. At least we had each other and our imaginations to take us away from the childhood hells that were our lives at school.
  
  The knocks to my self-confidence manifested their long term effects on my persona at first in an inability to accept my physical appearance and later progressed into a fear of creating meaningful bonds with children my age. I live with these emotional blemishes even today and find thinking about these times very difficult. It is also these fears and traumas that lead to a dislike for school at an early age (and probably into my future experiences) and disdain towards the educational community in general.
  
  It was not until my sophomore year in high school that I was able to doff these chains of social catastrophe and start anew in another school system. The uprooting resulted in a whole new status on the social ladder that bolstered my self confidence and lead to a much more favorable self image.
  
  The stigma that had been attached to my previous existence was wiped clean and found no presence in my new school.
  
  Remarkably, this is one of the recommended solutions that Jodee discussed on Diane’s talk show. She recommends going “one town over” in trying to re-establish meaningful social ties into another community to help create confidence. Having lived through this change myself, I can truly attest to its significance in creating change in a horrible situation created by bullying.
  
  In my new life, I was also surrounded by a great family and some wonderful friends who established “cool” as an image of intellect and self-expression of unique qualities rather than conformity and economic status.
  
  My step brother, Ray, became an instant hero and role model to me with his ability to take down would-be bullies using only his mind. High school hallway mockeries were quickly met with a battle won by wit in the form of retorts that left the assailant spinning mentally as he tried to make sense at the quick verbal barrage that just publicly stripped them of their manly existence.
  
  Another friend, Mike, quickly demonstrated how being a “geek” really could be a cool thing and showed that it’s not about what you wear or own it’s about how you view life and make friends that matters. Even to this day this life-long friend has inspired me with his confident image and amazing outlook on life.
  
  The redefinition of traits that were normally seen as harbingers for mockery into stellar points in social leaders left me with inspiration and self determination that maybe I really wasn’t as horrible a person as the playground bullies of my earlier years had made me think.
  
  Mike has gone on to amazing things in his life: helping multitudes of families while serving in the Peace Corps, a band leader, lyricist, mentor, and President of our region’s American Cancer Society.
  
  My step-brother Ray went on to finish his Master’s Degree, become a famed TV personality, and now lives happily married to a most amazing wife and run a successful Internet business together.
  
  Seeing really is believing in life and maybe someday the meek really will inherit the Earth, but, my life changed due to the influence dealt by these bullies yet I was saved by friends and family and now I feel I’ve worked to make the most from these early setbacks.
  
  None of this would have been possible without significant life changes on the part of my mother, and I will always thank her for that.
  
  Today, my greatest concern comes with regard to my son who is now walking his way down this same path. His wonderful personality, compassion, and outward love are going to leave him open to the mockery of those that lack understanding and appreciation for him.
  
  Being only five, some of the neighbor kids have already realized this difference in him and I fear that any repercussions may grow stronger over the years. His two closest neighbor friends are very athletic, something that Joey is not, and they play with ruthless determination when it comes to backyards sports. Joey always wants to participate, but doesn’t have the same fascination about sports that they do.
  
  I worry that as the boys get older, this “split” will further drive their friendships apart and may be the jumping grounds for a significant chasm between their social circles.
  
  We have made some very strong choices about the schooling that Joey will be going through in the form of private school which I think will help foster his wonderful nature that our son has.
  
  I want him to be an emotional leader from his experiences rather than the emotionally pummeled child that I was.
  
  Jodee’s segment was a thought provoking discussion that is something that I would hope every parent of either a child who is picked or the bully would investigate further into. Both Jenny and I listed to the program and will be going out and buying both of her books in the hopes that it will help us to be aware of potential problems and their resolutions as our children grow up.
  
  jp